"Boyz
In The Woodz" Club
"Boyz
In The Woodz" Club
Founder RJ Pupkin Named
1st Runner-Up
SF Virgin Queen 2000
Story by RJ Pupkin
Photos by Toni Love of The Spectator
SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- The butch founder of the "Boyz In The Woodz" SF Bay Area Free Online Gay & Bi Men's Hiking & Social Club took surprise honors as 1st runner up in The 6th Annual Virgin Queen Contest, held in San Francisco on Sunday evening, September 17, 2000, at the New Meat Campus Theater on Jones Street in the Tenderloin. The event was presented by Klubstitute Kollective as a benefit for SF Sex Information and the SF Late Night Coalition.
RJ Pupkin is known to his 740 BITWClub members and to many in the Bay Area gay community at large as a hirsute, cigar-smoking leather daddy, yet in a field of five candidates of beautiful first-time drag queens, and without using makeup, or shaving face, legs, chest or back, and with a smoking cigar clenched in his teeth throughout the evening, he managed to coax second place from the panel of judges, which included sex information diva Carol Queen and transvestite entertainer extraordinaire Donna Sachet.
Pupkin's
impersonation of comedian Dana Carvey's purse-toting "Church Lady" character
from NBC-TV's "Saturday Night Live" put the audience in stitches through
the evening with her snotty, bitchy, self-righteous asides and castigation
of all the contestants and judges alike. However, during the talent competition,
The Church Lady suddenly appeared to make a transformation.
She uncontrollably seemed to become sexually impassioned
by the steamy atmosphere in the indian summer heat in the stuffy,
packed-to-capacity theater, and by her sexy, shaved, and stuffed fellow
contestants. After breaking out into an acapella spoof of "I Am Woman", in
which she lamented "...it ain't easy being fem, I need to shave and lose
my limb...but if I have to, I can do anything," she cued the throbbing Commodores
song "Brick House" and unexpectedly stripped off her gray wig. What unfurled
below and down her back was a spiked head of long, black, shiny
hair..
The Church Lady then seductively slipped out of her black nylons, which she draped over the face of a large, mustachioed man in the front row wearing a Boy Scout hat, and then, with Lionel Ritchie singing in the background about "an Amazon" who should "let it all hang out" and who is built just like a "brick house", the formerly staid and matronly Church Lady stripped off piece after piece of her outfit of a conservative silk blouse, plaid suit jacket and pleated skirt, and pranced about the stage in black stiletto pumps wearing nothing but strings of black pearls, black spangle earrings, black, bejeweled cats' eyes glasses, and a black leather brassiere and thong. She had transformed before the transfixed audience into drag nymphomaniac "Nita Whormoan".
The coup de grace, with the feverish audience laughing and whooping and clapping to the Commodores' rhythm, was Ms. Whormoan, right at a climax in the disco beat and sweaty atmosphere, spinning around to proudly display her sweaty, hairy back and buttocks to the crowd, and exposing to the aghast crowd, draped over the back of her leather thong, and bouncing between her masculine gluteous maximi, a shiny, stainless steel pair of police-issue handcuffs. The theater screamed its shocked approval.
At that point, a hapless yet appreciative, young, blonde, bespectacled man in the third row reached up over the runway into the spotlight with a dollar in his hand. Nita reached for the dollar with her left hand as she swiftly and firmly clasped one of the handcuffs onto his wrist with her right, and then literally lifted him out of the audience, onto the stage, clamped the open cuff onto her own wrist, and then proceeded to force the unwitting fan into a thoroughly tasteless yet erotic impromptu dance which could better be described as a dry hump demonstration of a variety of sexual positions, all the while continuing to puff on the cigar clenched in her bearded jaw.
After
being awarded 1st runner up, and being told that she must be available throughout
the year in case the 1st place Virgin Queen is "unable to carry out the duties
of her title" (God only knows what those might be), Nita Whormoan was heard
to whisper to her Drag Mother, "Ruda Wakening" (aka Howard, a BITWClub member
and one of Pupkin's best friends), who was herself wearing a grisly beard,
an ugly, thrift-store-issue, polyester, print dress, a tussled brown wig,
and knee-high, lace-up black leather logger boots. Nita was overheard saying
to Ruda "Why the fuck didn't I win the 'Way Butch' last-place award instead
of that little bitch who shaved his whole damned chest?"
The $1000 in combined prizes split up among the five contestants included beautiful gift baskets chock-full of delicious treats, as well as theater and concert tickets, haircuts (Nita Whormoan, upon learning of this prize, ripped off her long, black wig and exposed her balding, sweaty scalp to the piercing spotlight, exclaiming, "Great!"), and passes to the Power Exchange sex club, one of RJ Pupkin's favorite bastions of uninhibited decadence. With media in tow, the contestants marched through the stiffling hot smoke toward their dressing room on the arms of their Drag Mommas, lugging their heavy prize baskets on their hard, muscular arms.
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Follow these links to pictures and info about:
Back to RJP's Home Page * The Cigars * The Leather
The Hiking * The Beach * Other Beaches * The Activities
RJ and his Husband, Magic Juan
and
RJP: SF Virgin Queen 2000 1st Runner-Up.
And, check out:
RJPupkin's Petaluma Gay Guide.
Most importantly, don't fail to visit:
RJPupkin's "Boyz In The Woodz" Free, Online, Gay & Bi Men's Hiking & Social Club.
Wanna send e-mail to RJ Pupkin? Click:
Copyright 2003 by RJ Pupkin
All content, graphics and images contained throughout are property of RJ Pupkin and are protected by United States and International copyright laws. No text, graphic, or image may be used, in whole or in part, individually, or as part of a derivative work, without express written permission.
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